Kayla was a little shit when she was younger, still is as a matter of fact, but what made things all the worse was that she particularly liked to shove it in my parents face that they couldn’t control her. And shit would go down when my parents would prove that in fact, they could force her to their will. In my mind, these incidents would cause mass chaos, culminating in my mother forcing my sister into her room which left me churned up inside wondering if life would ever be the same (Call me a drama queen, but these incidents always seemed like the end of the world). Another constant of my childhood was the fact that I was a bleeding heart every time my sister was punished. Honestly, I think the punishments always hurt me more than they did her.

My little sister was always in trouble. As we grew up, styles would change, my older brother would vascilate between Ghostbusters and Star Trek, my hairstyles and fashion choices went from bad to worse, but Kayla was always IN TROUBLE. This particular incident, Kayla had been sent to the Principal’s office (looking back, I give props to her for being so badass she was sent to the Principal’s Office at the tender age of 6) and Mom had banished her to her room the instant we were home from school. On this particular evening my Mom had been especially diabolical and had a planned an impromtu movie night/treat night that Kayla couldn’t attend (well isn’t that unfortunate!!!) because she had the audacity to punch a 2^nd grader in the face thus incite a pre-school riot (I’m not really sure what the actual offence was but I wouldn’t put an all out brawl past her).

Anyway, Mom and Dad really hyped up this movie night, popcorn was popped, a box of chocolates was opened and to top it off: Twizzlers!!! I loved Twizzlers. Too bad my stomach was in knots from all the tension. As the movie started, Mom and Dad seemed oblivious to the persistent thumps and grunts and hollers of ‘I HATE YOU!!’ coming from my sister’s room. I on the other hand was slowly turning myself inside out with empathy. About halfway through the movie the sounds from my sister’s room had subsided and I couldn’t take it any more. I palmed a few twizzlers and excused myself to the bathroom.  Instead of taking a left to the bathroom, I hung a right and slowly slunk up the stairs to the bedrooms, my sweaty palms turning the licorice sticks slightly gooey. As I approached Kayla’s bedroom, I envisioned her tearstained and apologetic, completely and utterly hurt by our Mother’s horrible punishment and in need of some sisterly compassion. What I found was Kayla calmly playing Barbies, completely unfazed by her banishment. Nauseous, I reached out and opened by hand to giver her my sticky loot. Kayla looked at me calmly and stated: “I don’t like Twizzlers.”

I’ve really tried this past year to be a little more honest with people about my situation here. I get asked a lot how I like going to graduate school in a new country. I tend to answer with both a positive and a negative, like: I’m really getting settled now and enjoying things but it was a hard transition, or, I really like the classes here and the weather is beautiful but I definitely miss the comforts of home!

I do this because maybe it will make someone else’s life a little easier. I know a few people that have done some amazing things, things that I would be nervous undertaking. When asked how it was, the only reply is: It was great!!!! Well that was absolutely no help at all. I know that some people genuinely seem to breeze through life with no complications but generally not all undertakings are smooth sailing. If I could give people one piece of advice right now it would be that generally people have all the same issues and concerns, but we all think of each other as superheroes while ourselves as mere mortals.